What’s In Your…Backpack?

Just a quick note as I prepare for my next infusion…that alone is an assumption! There will be blood tests, spot checking, scans, and evaluations. It’s a time of mixed emotions; I always hope that I pass with flying colors and get the immunotherapy that may be saving my life, I also feel the anxiety of what might not be okay.

I’d really love comments from others on what you do when faced with challenges ahead. Do you take that nervous energy and just go out and have fun? Or do you take on a project to keep your mind and body busy, expending dark energy? Do you get lost in your worry?

And That’s Why It’s Called a Nervous “WRECK”!

A few days out from the process and it’s a rainy day. The beach walk I thought I’d squish in this morning was given a literal “rain check”. Travel bags are now packed, some small projects completed, and next up will be the cats! Wow, to the World Series but it also means no more Red Sox to keep me inspired. I prefer to have bills paid and administrative duties completed. Clean sheets are always a good thing. Diversion, good! Nervous? Hell, yes!DSC01632

All of this seems silly but in having things in order for now, I expend some tension. Doing that leaves more room for things I will need while at Dana Farber Cancer Institute; it’s my emotional backpack. We all have them and when cancer treatment is imminent,  it’s important to NOT fill my emotional backpack with negativity, nervousness, and worry.

Get Ready (by The Temptations)

Here’s a brief list of what I will put in my emotional backpack:

  • belief in a tomorrow
  • courage
  • hope
  • inspiration
  • integrity
  • love

Hokey as hell but in putting in positive feelings, there is less room for the emotions that drag one down. Sure, they are there (those scary thoughts), and yes, when I walk into the medical facility there is a pit in my stomach. Metastatic melanoma, stage III, is one deadly disease. I’m well versed in what I’m up against.

Choosing to bring all those positive emotions and desires with me gives me strength, strength to get through a long day.  I put a positive spin on something I never thought would be a part of my life; I believe that I’m part of something bigger and that satisfies my soul. Cancer research is imperative and clinical trials matter.

Balancing Act

Balance will be skewed on my medical day, no doubt. There is no way to discount the possibility of a questionable scan, bloodwork values, or other concerns. This is how those cancer cells are found, this is the chance we cancer patients have. Packing the positives in my emotional bag become the bulwark for whatever this trip brings.

Exhausting, the Yervoy infusion is only one part of the depleting feeling of cancer treatment. Finding your emotional infusion may take time, but look high and low; positive emotion may just be the reserve you need to pack. Take the time to discover what it is for you and how to pack it up for when you need it!

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Balance is a building process!

We all need to have emotional reserves for challenges in life. I’d love to hear what works for you. Please share in the comments as we all will benefit from learning what to pack in life’s emotional bag! What works for you?

We can-cervive!

Janis

#melanomatheskin #wecancervive #cancer #worldserieschamps #cancer #melanoma #TuesdayThoughts

“Educated” by Tara Westover and My Cancer Education

I’m here now!

I am one of the lucky ones, metastatic melanoma and all. Tomorrow is just that, beyond our reach.  The past is something to learn from and move forward.  Being present, a gift for us all, is part of my cancer education. I’m learning to find peace in this moment.

My yoga class delved into one of the seven chakras this week, the Muladhara chakra or the root chakra. We walked, feeling the earth beneath our feet. We talked, sharing the sense of strength found in our foundation. We sat, finding our sitting spot and bringing motion to that area. We meditated, feeling the support and depth that we call earth. Balance and stability ensued.

Yoga centers me, and as a fairly new student, each pose requires my attention. This week’s class reminded me of a quality that I cherish in myself, a quality of being a realist. In feeling lucky to be here, I also reminded myself to be here now. It’s so easy to get caught in what medical treatment is next, what my health insurance will look like in the future, the fact that some nights sleep is hard to come by, even though fatigue rides my back daily, like the backpack I can’t seem to lose!

Instruction is sensitive to different needs of this restorative/gentle yoga class. Some challenges are physically apparent in this welcoming group, some not obvious. Being the youngest in this group, my clinical trial aches and pains, and other side effects are not evident. Our individual spiritual and emotional challenges find bearing,  find roots as class continues.

I Am Therefore I Exist, I Exist Therefore I Am

This all reminds me that being grounded reaches deeply beyond having our feet on the ground; it reaches into our very being to remind us to be here now, to leave the past and the future to other place markers in our personal timeline. Appreciate what is good, what is right, what is now.

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Being safe in that moment was mentioned in yoga class. Simple enough, right? Not necessarily and touching on that reminded me of those who live in unsafe circumstance. Having just read Educated by Kara Westover,  the book challenged me with the abuse she endured, that being safe is unattainable for some. Disease and suffering comes from many paths.

Education of Little Me

Educated, a difficult book for me, depicts family dysfunction, abuse, and a rise above the squalor. Intended to be inspirational, each reading left a bad taste in my mouth, a sorrow for those who know no safe moment, who carry the burdens of the past. Reading through to the end of this memoir, I felt pride in Tara’s accomplishments BUT a deep sadness for struggles within that will be with her forever, that are with many forever.

What resonates between reading Educated and pushing myself to go to yoga is the feeling. Cancer and all that comes with it is arduous, something that is now part of my life forever. I thought I wanted to read this book and in the process, I learned that healing for me isn’t learning of someone else’s pain and misfortune. Yes, it is a story of rising from the ashes and I admire Tara. The feeling of her story remained one of sadness.

Healing is about finding hope and courage; for me it’s about being here now. I came home from yoga, captured a moment with the wild asters, bees, and monarchs in the garden, feeling the foundation of who I’ve become, in spite of disease. Feeling positive joy in that moment providing me with strength to get to the next moment, and the next moment, and the next….

#melanomatheskin  #cancer #melanoma #naturalskinrocks #Thursdaythoughts #thisonesforlindacherylsusann

We can-cer vive!

Janis

Heroes Among Us

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An American Hero

 

With the passing of John McCain, many of us are reminded of the fragility of life and the opportunity we have while living. Disconnected politically, I admired McCain for his service to the United States, for his integrity of character, and for his clear, well defined opinions. He was a fighter and we cancer patients and caregivers know about that.

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“Nothing in life is more liberating than to fight for a cause larger than yourself, something that encompasses you but is not defined by your existence alone.” 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the capacity to act despite our fears.” 

I could talk about his melanoma or his glioblastoma. I could talk about his side of the isle versus the one I favor, I could say how meaningful his thumbs down was on the Senate floor in an effort to span party lines and vote to keep the Affordable Care Act that so many Americans need.

All of it matters, his list of accomplishments extensive. Inspiration comes to us in snippets of life, people, and example. Disease is an equalizer and McCain taught us to live each moment to the best, to carry our courage close by, and to find the strength to carry on.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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We lost Aretha Franklin recently as well. Not one to follow the celebrity life and finding it caustic for the most part, I admire those in the limelight who are exceptionally talented, use their status to work toward the common good, and have integrity of character. Hmmm….integrity really is key to a life well lived!

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“We all require and want respect, man or woman, black or white. It’s our basic human right.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

“Every birthday is a gift. Every day is a gift.”

“Sometimes, what you’re looking for is already there.”

Lover of life, lover of people, we lost Aretha to pancreatic cancer. I consider her a hero as she was far more than the Queen of Soul. Aretha fought many personal challenges, aided in the promotion of civil and women’s rights, and had the courage to hold her head high. She taught us what respect truly means.

If You Could Spend an Hour with One Person

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Who would that be? Ben Franklin comes to mind (though I’ve others such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Indira Gandhi, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks, Virginia Woolf, Dalai Lama, Vincent Van Gogh, Martin Luther King, Stephen Hawking…).

Ben Franklin, a founding Father and inventor, was also a man of his word, literally. He wrote often and started a “lending library” in 1731. I find his integrity of character to include: being a person of action, in service to his country, and peppered with great wit and humor. He taught us to be true to ourselves, to be real.

“What you seem to be, be really.”

“Wish not so much to live long as to live well.”

Who are your heroes?  Be sure to write your comments so we can continue this conversation. My deepest feeling on this is that the hero need not be historically great, in the limelight, or a modern day patriot. Integrity is the commonality; the hero is in each of us, ready to teach.

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You Are My Hero

Unsung heroes are around us. It’s the Mom walking her hairless child through Dana Farber heading for the next treatment. It’s the cancer patient learning that the disease is terminal. Or maybe, it’s that person pushing through the next cycle of cancer uncertainty in hope of more time, another moment to enjoy life. Cancer examples, yet each of us has our own example in life, in integrity. Look at the person beside you; we all wear capes!

We’re in this thing called life together. Perhaps our hero life is small, perhaps it’s a kind gesture, a smile, a hug. Perhaps you make a positive difference today. Perhaps you model the character of integrity…

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“Do you love life? Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of.”          Ben Franklin

#melanomatheskin #cancer #hero #wecan-cervive #naturalskinrocks #melanoma #Thursdaythoughts #respect

We can-cer vive!

Janis