What’s In Your…Backpack?

Just a quick note as I prepare for my next infusion…that alone is an assumption! There will be blood tests, spot checking, scans, and evaluations. It’s a time of mixed emotions; I always hope that I pass with flying colors and get the immunotherapy that may be saving my life, I also feel the anxiety of what might not be okay.

I’d really love comments from others on what you do when faced with challenges ahead. Do you take that nervous energy and just go out and have fun? Or do you take on a project to keep your mind and body busy, expending dark energy? Do you get lost in your worry?

And That’s Why It’s Called a Nervous “WRECK”!

A few days out from the process and it’s a rainy day. The beach walk I thought I’d squish in this morning was given a literal “rain check”. Travel bags are now packed, some small projects completed, and next up will be the cats! Wow, to the World Series but it also means no more Red Sox to keep me inspired. I prefer to have bills paid and administrative duties completed. Clean sheets are always a good thing. Diversion, good! Nervous? Hell, yes!DSC01632

All of this seems silly but in having things in order for now, I expend some tension. Doing that leaves more room for things I will need while at Dana Farber Cancer Institute; it’s my emotional backpack. We all have them and when cancer treatment is imminent,  it’s important to NOT fill my emotional backpack with negativity, nervousness, and worry.

Get Ready (by The Temptations)

Here’s a brief list of what I will put in my emotional backpack:

  • belief in a tomorrow
  • courage
  • hope
  • inspiration
  • integrity
  • love

Hokey as hell but in putting in positive feelings, there is less room for the emotions that drag one down. Sure, they are there (those scary thoughts), and yes, when I walk into the medical facility there is a pit in my stomach. Metastatic melanoma, stage III, is one deadly disease. I’m well versed in what I’m up against.

Choosing to bring all those positive emotions and desires with me gives me strength, strength to get through a long day.  I put a positive spin on something I never thought would be a part of my life; I believe that I’m part of something bigger and that satisfies my soul. Cancer research is imperative and clinical trials matter.

Balancing Act

Balance will be skewed on my medical day, no doubt. There is no way to discount the possibility of a questionable scan, bloodwork values, or other concerns. This is how those cancer cells are found, this is the chance we cancer patients have. Packing the positives in my emotional bag become the bulwark for whatever this trip brings.

Exhausting, the Yervoy infusion is only one part of the depleting feeling of cancer treatment. Finding your emotional infusion may take time, but look high and low; positive emotion may just be the reserve you need to pack. Take the time to discover what it is for you and how to pack it up for when you need it!

selective focus photography of balance rock
Balance is a building process!

We all need to have emotional reserves for challenges in life. I’d love to hear what works for you. Please share in the comments as we all will benefit from learning what to pack in life’s emotional bag! What works for you?

We can-cervive!

Janis

#melanomatheskin #wecancervive #cancer #worldserieschamps #cancer #melanoma #TuesdayThoughts

Harvesting the Three Sisters Garden

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Planting the Seed

This time of year we reap what we sow, right? Well, not always. Choosing to focus on gardens this year, I ambitiously planted seeds, a lot of seeds actually. Mostly started indoors, seedlings were everywhere. My husband found humor with corn growing in the living room, along with a plethora of other seedlings. Hey, that’s where the sun is most prevalent in our home! While I mask from the sun because of melanoma, life needs sun.

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The starting of garden ideas last January while poring over catalogs, morphed into purchasing Fedco seeds, and notes on what to plant when, which reminds me that I have yet to record the endgame of the garden. YIKES! This gardening thing is involved. Coming full-cycle, it’s time to consider successes, failures, and modifications.

Gardening is my thing, my husband the willing lifter and mover of that which this weak cancer body hasn’t the ommph to move. He easily accepts my need for help, though his favorite part of gardening is watching it grow! Greenery, life, and plentiful harvests remind both of us how beautiful life is, how simple things bring hope, inspiration, and balance; a meditation of sorts!

Nurturing the Sisters

One area of the garden was dedicated to the Three Sisters Garden, consisting of butternut squash, corn, and beans. The belief is that each of these plants sustain the others with needed nutrients. Additionally, the pole beans could grow up the corn stalks, the rambling squash could provide needed shade on scorching summer days. My sisters’ cancer deaths was the emotional piece driving me to create a nature garden honoring us!

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As one of three sisters (along with a wonderful brother), this was the year to try it. Everything  sounded so very easy. NOT! I had metza metz results and LOVE the concept of this type of garden. Throw in treatment, fatigue, weather, and suddenly, I have more than I realized to work on. What a great way to leave medical concerns behind. Somehow, win or lose, my soul was harvesting some sister love! The nuture was on, the experiment reminding me of my clinical trial. You win some, you lose some!

Harvest Moon

Corn was started in the house and did okay. I actually had it knee-high by the 4th of July. I grew bush green beans and Scarlett Runners to climb the corn stalks. The only trouble was the corn stopped growing! So we had tiny, inedible corn on short stalks that tipped over with the weight of the lofty Scarlett Runners! Winter squash did well though I still have many baby squash, too late to catch up to the larger, edible specimens.

Pondering the Three Sisters Garden, I know I watered faithfully, carrying buckets of water to the garden from the cistern. What I didn’t do was add much manure over the summer. The plants were close together and it seemed impossible to work anything into the soil. Wanna know what really worked with this garden? The idea of this:  the simple concept of creating something to remind me of the nurturing and love that will always carry on with The Three Sisters. What are you doing to satisfy your soul? I’d love to hear from you!

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Will I do this next year? That remains to be seen; perhaps a smaller garden ensues for 2019. But then, we did expand one area….and I’d love to see improved bounty… and the seed catalogs are coming out soon…

#melanomatheskinwerein #cancer  #melanoma  #threesistersgarden #garden #fedco #naturalskinrocks #sunsavvy365

We can-cer vive!

Janis

He Said, She Said; Finding Balance in a World of Words

This blog isn’t political though I have deeply strong thoughts about my government, the direction I’d like to see the country move, and the lack of integrity everywhere. Instead of talking about Kavanuagh or Ford and others in today’s hearing, I want to discuss language. The use of language in medical scenarios, such as melanoma cancer as described my Mayo Clinic.

Cold Calling

Health information is critical to making sense of a frightening diagnosis, mine was a second cancer diagnosis in 2017. The first time the biopsy came back positive for melanoma, my dermatologist left a terrifying message on my phone, the second time the same. I appreciated knowing up front that I have metastatic melanoma, and each time returned his call for more details.

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It’s what I describe as a cold call, learning that something is seriously wrong but needing to call to find out the details. Somehow, it would be more fitting to do this in person, but keep in mind time is of the essence when fighting cancer. After each of these calls, life went in to hyper-mode to learn what was next. The power of words, right?

Words can be critical to how we feel, our perspective on healing, and where we find our hope and courage. I want to hear what words have brought challenge to your life, what words have brought joy? Something as simple as clean scans are ginormous in a cancer patient’s life.

Them’s Fightin’ Words

Medically speaking, I’ve had some curiously frustrating situations. For example, in talking to my first local oncologist when I felt my cancer was back, she told me not to overreact. My local dermatologist made an illustration of how my excision was done and described the healing process. Unfortunately, I believed what they said, there words the gospel of medical belief.

cancer tablet

Except I pushed for a biopsy, except something felt wrong, except I needed to believe in myself because metastatic melanoma was in another area of my face. No blame as these medical professionals felt they were right, but jeez the time lost while I am feeling the he said she said of medical mistakes. Meanwhile, time had gone by….

My Hearing – No, I’m Not Up for SCOTUS!

Working with Dana Farber has been an incredible experience, the level of knowledge, the cancer research done there, and the integrity of the staff is amazing. Though my local radiation doctor didn’t feel I would have hearing loss, one of my Dana Farber oncologists, said it was very probable. Another he said, she said…I am going with what I know: my hearing is poor, I no longer have ear wax (just what you needed to know, right?),  and my left ear just feels different.

Sorry to complain, it’s not my point here at all. This writing is really a reminder to the collective we. We know our bodies, our minds, our spirits. Believe in yourself and find your inspiration. Balance is critical to our healing from disease; accurate information is essential and professional staff builds confidence.

Doctor, Doctor Give Me the News (Robert Palmer)

In August, I had a CT scan at Dana Farber that found a questionable area, and the minute I went in to see the best skin cancer oncologist ever (okay, I may be prejudiced!), he greeted my and immediately disclosed his concerns. He also let me know it was not melanoma, and that this was not his area of knowledge.

It turned out to be nothing of concern, but how reassuring to have my oncologist explain what they saw, what needed to happen, and admit that he was not the doctor for this concern. That’s integrity of words, using language to tell what is known, and what direction my medical challenges need to go.

There is no fake news and real news, no he said she said in the medical world. Find your best possible information and staff, and move toward your medical reality confident in the integrity of what is known at this point. I only wish that we could use the words integrity and government in the same phrase…that would be language I’d be hearing!

water and words

#hesaidshesaid    #melanomatheskin   #cancer   #melanoma #naturalskinrocks #medical integrity #danafarber  #scotus

We can-cer vive!

Janis

 

Empty Nest Inspiration

DSC01619 (1)Transitions are common this time of year. Learning to adjust to your youngest going to kindergarten, your oldest packing for college, or feeling quite sure that it all can’t come soon enough or that’s it’s happening too quickly, the bottom line is late summer is a time of transition.

Bye Bye Birdie

Melanoma and clinical trial treatment has changed my life dramatically. Cancer patients know that life as we know it is gone forever; learning to live with the possibility of it’s return and enjoying every moment are what matters.

For me, it’s the literal nests this year; three robin nests, one after the other, neatly tucked in the rafters under the deck gave me ample opportunity to watch life (and death) up close and personal. Advocating for the adults by offering them some peace and a piece of the deck with each family’s similar, yet unique style.

Bird’s Eye View

It may sound silly or remedial, but watching these families afforded me an amazing opportunity, an opportunity to be in the moment. To be aware of all my senses as my almost-daily robin’s nest encounters allowed that, a meditation of sorts. A quick peak through the deck boards to count eggs, watch newborns, consider unhatched eggs, listen for the immature chirps that will someday be a strong pip, pip, pip that the adults vocalized when I grabbed a moment with the youngsters.

 

In addition to my photos, there’s an amazing baby robin video that was taken of nest #2 (along with  robin book suggestions). There were some soul-filling moments this summer, a meditation with nature that I felt privy to, up close and personal. Disappointment over unhatched eggs wasn’t quite sadness, but something near it. Just an egg, for me it reminded me of the fragile balance of life, the sorrow of loss.

Fly The Nest

I miss my robin time. Siting those that fly past, I am quite sure they are “mine” and like my grown children that have lives of their own, I miss them and wish them health and happiness. For now, the empty nests are reminders of the beauty I shared with these robins. Look at the flora starting to grow in their nests now…and so life goes!

Tomorrow is too far off for me as I have learned from nature to live in this very moment.  My empty nests sit on the deck stairs yet, I find hope and inspiration for next year when my robins will build again. Healing comes in the belief of a tomorrow.   Please do sign up for my blog and let me know where you find your courage and inspiration in the comments! #melanomatheskin #cancer #melanoma #myhusbandwantsthedeckback #wecan-cervive

We can-cer vive!

Janis

A Wrinkle In Time

Have you read it? Did you love it? Author Madeleine L’Engle wrote this engrossing novel, winning the Newbury in 1963. This travel through time and space is a delight and one I intend to return to again…and soon. Reaching deep with themes of death, social conformity, and truth, this children’s chapter book can be a whole new adventure read as an adult. Here’s an interesting take on this read from adults in a Mashable podcast.

wrinkle

 

A Wrinkle In Time is the first in the Time Quintet series. Right now, it’s resurgence is notable in relation to the release of the movie in February 2018. Every where I turn I see this classic and what a wonderful thing that is! But what does this have to do with cancer and melanoma?

Scans and Tessering

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Well, here goes my thoughts on this and cancer patients and caregivers might be most able to relate to this. Time goes fast, time goes slow for all of us. I am learning to live in the moment, the here and now but what happens when you have a full day of appointments, appointments that will give you more time to enjoy life, or bring you to that place of worry when not “passing” the scans? Let me know how you deal with scan days.

My caregiver works with me as I submit to the surrealism of MRI, CT, any various dyes, drugs, and blood letting. Liquid hope is funneled into veins like water through a hose. Like A Wrinkle in Time, there is a sci-fi quality about my Dana Farber day,  lying in tubes hearing thumps or being directed to breathe and not breathe by mechanical audio direction. Big Brother, is that you? Meditation helps to keep me in balance and mindfulness reminds me that this singular moment of pain and discomfort will pass, too.

Each of us has our wrinkle in time, a place between reality and the unknown. Sensations of time and place muddle. Questions of belief and hope are only human, and that’s just fine, to feel human. Characters in the book find their time spent with tesseracts; this time travel is often physically painful and leaves them with anxiety, uncertainty. Sound familiar?

Parallel Universe?

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Parallels between A Wrinkle in Time and our own cancer journeys are uncanny. Reality is a fine place though some days we feel as though we are in a time warp, part of a science fiction writing that brings us places we never thought we’d go. Balance tips  as our health tessering brings concerns to the forefront, our future looms closer. Living in the moment skyrockets out of reach as medical melee hurls us toward the future.

Madeleine L’Engle  states that “For me, this book activates both transparency and resistance. It urges us to open ourselves up to those hurts, those tribulations, those disappointments, those doubts, those uncertainties. All of which can be summarized as darkness. It walks us through that pain to a light within ourselves, sparking us to resist all that is not for our good and fight for a better way. Simply put, A Wrinkle in Time offers a glimpse of eternity”.

Not sure where I am with the idea of eternity, but I totally look for the light in each moment, and not the sun light! Find that light within yourselves and fight the cancer battle with courage. Not the journey we chose, but how lucky to still be on the trip! #melanomatheskin #cancer #awrinkleintime #melanoma #Thursdaythoughts

We Can-cer vive!

Janis

 

 

Birds of a Feather

Cancer patients or is that cancer patience? Ah, I’ve learned a lot about patience as I plod along hoping that each day on this clinical trial brings me closer to healing. Rather than live in fear, I have the belief that in being patient with the immunotherapy drug that potentially treats melanoma and kicks my butt, that I have a chance.

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Hope and inspiration might just come from odd places as we fight cancer and look for balance in our lives. I find that living in the moment is a good place for me to reside! Simple pleasures come and go, as do the trickier moments of scans, tests, and infusions. The natural world bestows the greatest moments of a-ha and reminds me of what really matters.

Life on the Wing

And so it is with the birds. Living where nature abounds, panoramic views gives ample opportunity for viewing. A plethora of shore birds arrive seasonally, while the hardier sparrows, blue jays, and gulls will tough it out with the rest of us year rounders.

Reading Round Robin by Jack Kent is a fun picture book and always a reading rite of Spring  bringing lots of laughs! Three robins nests in the rafters at our house this year and I’ve learned a lot from the National Audubon about the American Robin! What better way to be reminded of the hope of tomorrow than with watching life unfold.

Rule the Roost

Nest #1 appeared in May, and we barely noticed it nicely tucked in to the far end of the deck…not sure how many eggs there were, but if you look closely at the pictures above you will see two young birds. Flights ensued the day after this picture and they were on their own shortly thereafter.

Nest #2
Nest #2

Nest #2 came immediately after #1 on the busy, walkway under our deck. Long strands of grass and nest making material had me keen to this busy pair of robins. Four blue eggs later, we waited. With a 12-14 day incubation that felt far longer, we finally had one robin. I’ve been told that 50% hatch is normal. My grand-girl caught this baby bird on video early on, and I’ve watched this video several times. Life is amazing, right?

To Every Season

Nest #3 is in the middle rafters and contains 3 eggs. It’s another high traffic area so we put a flower planter over it to provide a privacy screen. One robin hatched the other day, one egg is cracked, and one looks to be losing its robin’s egg blue.

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This will be the last of the robins for this year. The weather will cool, the birds will leave, the landscape will change. I’ve taken the time to watch life, to have the patience to let it unfold. Meditation comes in many forms and be sure to take a moment to pause, find courage in your good moments, and let those positive thoughts take flight.

Thank you for signing up for my blog and let me know what you do to find those cancer-free moments. Stay tuned to learn about the empty nests!

#myhusbandwantsthedeckback #melanoma #cancer #Thursdaythoughts #melanomatheskin

We can-cer vive!

Janis

 

I Scream, You Scream

Get Out!

National Ice Cream Day is celebrated annually the 3rd Sunday of July.  Perfect time to go out and have an ice cream! For those of you who are lactose intolerant, this post may not interest you, and for those who have skin cancer and fear the sun, I say, get out!

It’s tricky to have melanoma or other skin cancers because, well the sun is with us every day. Does it make you want to scream, having the deadly melanoma and having to be mindful of the sun? It’s about new sun-safe habits and creating easy routines.

Everyone should be using sunscreen, every day. Do you struggle with being outside? Does fear keep you from living in the moment? How many of your friends go with the belief that skin cancer won’t happen to them?

#EverydayisaSUNday

Recently handed an ad from the American Society for Dermatlogic Surgery, I was reminded just how much sunscreen matters. While I don’t know the ASDS personally,  promotion of sun safety is so important and I was pleased to see their reminder.

The sun is with us every day. Every, every, every day! With gray and dreary weather that solar reach is coming down to earth. Late in the day sunset viewing those rays are streaming at you. Middle of a cold winter day out snowshoeing that reflection off the snow is…well, a killer actually.

Skin cancer can make one very sun shy.  Don’t let melanoma and other skin cancers push you into the corner. You don’t need to live life in the dark either. Create sun-safe habits and have the courage to get out there and live your life! Wear sunscreen, clothing, and bring along your umbrella.

Favor a Flavor?

Oh, the options! My grandgirl and I have a few favorites at the top of our list though we love it all! Sugar cone and the very smallest size, because in America smallest still is a super size! Creamees just don’t cut it for us and we skip the condiments like sprinkles. It’s really about going out for an ice cream…together! Let’s talk ice cream..what’s your scoop?

And hey, did you see this?  U.S News has a listing of some free and discounted options for National Ice Cream Day. I think I might just google some ice cream shoppes local to me and get this mission going! I mean, National Ice Cream Day may be a gimmick and come only one day a year, but hey, why not? (I’ll write about sunscreen “flavors” another day).

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None of us knows what lies ahead in life (except death). Gather up that weary immunotherapy body or whatever your cancer is giving you today. Go out for National Ice Cream Day this Sunday.  Take a hike. Swim in the ocean. Mindfulness of sun days matters as does mindfulness of each and every day.  This day is the one that you have so put on your sunscreen and lather up with hope.

#EverydayisaSUNday #Nationalicecreamday #takeahike #melanomatheskin #melanoma #sunsmarts #favoriteflavor

We can-cer vive!

Janis